So five countries walk into a bar
by Black Rose Heart
Summary: America, England, Japan, and China all go drinking to celebrate current events but end up doing more than that. Mix in Canada and France and you've got a good approximation of what happens. Equal parts USUK, NiChu, and Franada.
1. 1: The Bar

The Good, old-fashioned practice of bonding…..through getting drunk together! Equal parts Franada, NiChu, USUK. Human names used.

* * *

"Hey England!" America ran up to the departing green-suited country.

England turned around. "What is it? I'm trying to leave so I can make it back in time for Doctor Who-"

"Wanna go out drinking? I have tomorrow off so I can have a huge hangover!" America was bursting with his usual energy.

"No, after last time I swore I'd never drink again-"

"Hey, America," China said, jumping in, "mind if I join you to celebrate the new trade deal-aru?"

"Yeah, no prob China dude!" America said, and England felt something slip in his heart.

"Well, all right, I'll come, but just because of last month's quarter results we never celebrated-"

"Okay! Sweet, we're going to have so much fun!" America started on his way to his favorite bar, but suddenly stopped and ran up to Japan.

_What's that bloke doing? _Thought England

"Japan, hey dude, wanna go drinking? I never got to thank you for the new video game!" America said.

"Er-well…" Japan paused for a minute or so to think about whether or not to go. On one hand, he never drank with others, but it was rude to turn down thanks, and he had to thank England for the shipment of Harry Potter novels too…

_Good luck, America, _thought China, _but once Japan starts thinking, it'll be ages before-_

"I suppose, yes." Japan said. China's jaw dropped.

"Fantastic epic awesome, dude! Let's all go!" America lead the way for the other three.

Once they got to the bar, America fairly broke down the door when he opened it.

"Hey Mat," America yelled to the bartender, "Gimme a margarita on the rocks!"

"Sure, Al." The bartender turned around, and as everyone sat at the bar they stunned to see-

"Matthew?" France said. Now everyone spun to look at the bishonen country standing in the doorway. Sure enough, there he was.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?" England fumed.

"Well, I heard drinking party, and it wouldn't be a party without me!" France said pompously, and pulled up a seat at the bar beside Japan.

"Here's your drink, Al," Canada said, sliding America a glass, "anyone else want something?"

"Er, yeah sure, some good ale if you have any…" said England, still pondering how someone like Canada ended up being a bartender.

"My usual, Mat." France said.

"I'll take whatever you recommend-aru. I don't know Western drinks-aru."

"I….do not suppose you are stocked with sake….."

"Sure we are, UN's right around the corner." Canada disappeared into the backroom to get drinks.

"So Alfred, how is it that Mathew became a bartender?" England asked curiously.

"Well, ya see, I'm the one who got him started. I brought him here after a conference one day, and he got a drink here, quivered for a bit before bursting out that it was crap. The bartender challenged him to a mix-off, and Mat won hands-down. They liked it so much they _paid _him to come back and work whenever he was in town." America retold the story, periodically taking a sip of his margarita.

"Wow-aru….Mathew must be pretty good-aru." China said.

"Of course, he learned from me, after all." France said, "I am ze king of alcoholic beverages, no?"

"Dear God, shut up you wine-freak." England muttered, just as Canada came back with a tray of drinks.

"Okay, I think I got everything. Beer for Arthur, fine wine for Francis, house special for Yao, and some sake for Kiku." Canada slid them down the bar with unerring accuracy.

"Merci, Mathew." France said, sipping the wine.

"What's this-aru?" China pointed at his glass.

"Oh, the house special mix, it's a bit of everything." Canada said, wiping empty glasses with a towel behind the bar.

**********************Many drinks later**************************

"Uh, the bloody hell am I doing in your castle, Mr. Unicorn?" England slurred, slumped over the bar.

America sighed. England drank too much again. Great.

"I'm the oldest here, of course I can hold my liquor-aru *hic*." China hiccupped, slumped over the bar in a position nearly identical to England's.

Japan inspected him. Looks like Western drinks had a bit of a kick to them. He hadn't had much sake, so he was mostly sober.

Canada looked at the line of drunken countries. At the end, what was France-

"Oh, it's so late, do you mind showing me the way to your bed from here, mon cheri?" France said, seductively leaning over the bar at Canada. Clearly, three bottles of wine was enough to make even France drunk.

Canada backed away from France. "Francis, come on, you're drunk."

"Hm, turning away from sexy big brother, right, mon ami? Am I just too much?" Canada blushed walked over to England.

"Help me, Arthur, Francis is drunk…" Canada whispered.

England sat up suddenly. "What? France you *******, stealing my America away again? I'll just cut off your supply lines like I did in the Revolution, when you helped take him away! Why'd you do that, 'merica, you bloody git, you…." England droned off and slumped over the bar again.

"Aw, Japan, do you have a sword so you're going to give me another scar-u?" China said, clearly drunk as he slurred his words.

Japan looked over worriedly. "China, what are you-"

"*hic* You know, the emotional scars hurt more *hic* than the real one-aru." China slammed his glass on the bar. "You're *hic* the worst, the worst-aru *hic*"

Japan turned red. China said the weirdest things when he was drunk.

England appeared to have heard China. "Yeah, the bloody little twits just cast you off like old shoes and decide they'll be independent, when they're so small, 'merica you bloody jerk…" England almost fell out of his stool, but America caught him. " 'merica that you?"

"Yeah Arthur, you drank too much again." America said, smiling slightly. It was nice to hear how England felt about him.

" 'merica, ge' 'way, ya bloody, so –n so…..told ya not to play with France 't all." England slurred, half-awake.

"Arthur, you're drunk, c'mon, I'll call you an escort."

"No, don't wan' no bleeding escort, you can be one, you're 'merica a'ter all and that…ya git." England was teetering on the brink of consciousness.

"Prop yourself up, I can't hold you forever, well I could, with my hero strength but I've got a few better things to do."

"Like what?" England said, opening his eyes to stare up at America sleepily. America smiled. England looked like a little kid.

"Oh, you'd just call me a bloody git again."

"Jaaaaapan, look at the moon, *hic* I'm sure the rabbits have been drinking tonight, you'll see-aru." China pointed up at the wood paneled ceiling deliriously.

"Yao…tonight is a new moon." Japan said, puzzled by China's statement.

"Such a wet blanket, Japan, you used to be *hic* kawaii-aru." China wiped drool from the corner of his mouth.

"Yao, do not say such indecent things even when you are drunk." Japan was extremely embarrassed.

"Hm-aru? I won't remember any of this when I'm sober so there's no point in telling me-aru."

"It is improper to be this drunk in front of others. You taught me that." Japan sighed.

"I used to be a big brother teacher, didn't I-aru? And then you decided to be all independent and make me sad-aru."

"All little brothers start being obnoxious gits when they're teenagers." England said loudly after hearing China.

"And here *hic* I was, trying to help you, but then suddenly you don't need me, what was the point-aru, can't you carry anything through all the way-aru?"

"The point was I needed to be arone." Japan said firmly.

"I didn't even really mean to tax you too much but the royal family wouldn't let me stop… said we needed the money even though we didn't…" England muttered, but America heard.

"Gonna go blame the Queen for the revolution huh?" America said.

"No, I'm blaming you for the ruddy revolution, you git! Don't leave me like that again!"

_England is sooo cute when he's drunk, _thought America, _if only I could trick him into drinking with me more often…_

"I have to take airplanes across the pond now, even though I get sick on them, because sailing a bloody ship brings back too many memories."

"And here I was thinking the crown had some unspent frequent flier miles…" America joked.

"Well, the prince does have an awful lot of those…but the honeymoon spent most of them up." England slurred.

"Oh yeah, how was the royal wedding? I never saw it." America said.

"Bloody git, didn't even watch? I worked for months on it."

"You forget, you're 5 hours ahead, I'd have to wake up early."

"Never mind, 'merica, you wouldn't wake up early for your own wedding, I know that."

"Depends on who I'm marrying." America looked pointedly at England's face.

England stuttered. "W-Well, who'd want to marry you? You're loud, lazy, fat, messy, idiotically strong, an unhealthy eater, too energetic, can't read the atmosphere, always obsessing about being the hero…"

"You seem to know me pretty well. Tell me who you'd think I'd marry." America knew it was a little mean to tease England like this, but it was so fun.

England's brain shut down and he clammed up. America sighed. He'd wanted to play another round of "Break the Drunk Tsundere". Wait, now there was a game Japan had to make for him!

Meanwhile, Japan was dealing with his own problems, namely the drunken China.

"Why is my brother so thick-aru? I did the best I could, taught him how to write, enjoy the company of others, raised him-aru. I was taking care of everyone, Thailand, Vietnam, and Korea, by all the dragons, raising little Korea will buy me passage to heaven-aru."

"Now is the wrong time to refrect. It is best to do on fur-moon, staring at a pond and drinking tea." Japan sighed. When he was drunk, China lost all his principles.

"Easy for you to say-aru. You just run out and leave, but not after giving me something to remember you by-aru! Seeing it every time I look at my back in the mirror-aru, remembering everything-aru! How do you think I feel-aru?" With that, China slammed his empty glass.

This was the first time either of them had heard the other talk about Japan's brutal independence. Japan decided that he would sense the mood and say one thing but mean another thing completely.

"Yao, the ocean tide-"

"Don't haiku me-aru! I can always tell when you start saying one thing but mean another thing completely-aru. Say something straight for once-aru!" China slumped down.

"I-I…am sorry I took my independence in such a harsh way." Japan looked down. It'd been a while since he was so straightforward.

"You must have had too much sake if you actually said what you mean-aru."

The two sat in silence, both thinking deeply.

France was anything but silent, trying to hit on anything that moved. As a result, the bar had quickly been deserted by all other than the six countries.

"Mon cher, Mathew, stay still while big brother is seducing you. It will make it shorter, I promise, hohohohon."

"Francis, you need to control yourself, you're drunk." Canada was retreating whenever France came near him.

_God, he was like this when I was growing up and he drank too much, _Canada thought, _only when I was little he'd catch me and…no, right now all I have to do is tough it out until England gets back to normal and starts fighting._

"Oh, no, mon ami, I've waited much too long. Get over here, Mat-dear, and let's see what you're hiding under those clothes." France was going into full-out creeper mode.

"I-I'm fine, really. Francis, cut it out. Don't pin me to the wall." It was too little too late, however, France was keeping his back on the wall.

"Hm, you seem to enjoy my sexy air, would you like to enjoy it a little more? How about I invade your vital regions?" France was leaning uncomfortably close to Canada's face.

Canada turned away from France's breath, it stank of alcohol. He felt the collar on his shirt loosen, and realized his former guardian was undressing him. Of course, he reacted as everyone did when confronted with a drunken France.

"ENGLAAAAND! AMERICAAAA! HELP!" Canada wailed helplessly from where he was pinned on the wall.

America immediately leaped up. "Of course, the noble America always helps those in need!" However, the only one with quicker reflexes than America was England.

"You wine *******, get away from my young charge!" England leapt up and tore France away with surprising strength.

"Hm, mon cher, you want some?" France said drunkenly.

"Bloody **** ****** **** ***** **** I don't! Do you know how messed up he was when you handed him over?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You and your stupid tendencies, he was used to being ordered around mercilessly into anything! America and I had to help him recover even a semblance of dignity!" England and France were getting into another one of their famous fights, pulling hair and punching.

Canada remembered he was the bartender. "I-I'm cutting both of you off! Out!" But he said this so quietly it might have been a whisper.

"No fighting in a bar, dudes!" America had stepped in and was holding both drunk countries by the collars. "Y'all know that fighting like kids will get you kicked out! So, I guess you're cutting yourselves off…"

"What? No!" Both countries said at the same time.

America shrugged innocently. "Well, I guess you've just had enough-"

"I'll tell you when I've had enough!" Both ran quick as a flash over to the bar and started calling out more drinks. Canada sighed. He was happy the circumstances had changed, but now they wanted more to drink. Great…

America winked at Canada. "All in a day's work for the hero." Canada groaned. At least he was getting paid…Oh, maple leaf.

"Jaaapan," China said at the bar, "if you really were so boxed in by me back them, you could have told me so-aru."

"Would you have accepted it?" Japan said, unused to his voice's own straightforwardness.

"Well…Of course not-aru," China said in a small voice, "you were my brother-aru. I would never have accepted it-aru. I never have-aru."

At that moment, Japan did something that surprised himself. He reached over and wrapped China in a bear hug, startling both himself and China.

China sighed. "Either you're really drunk, or I'm so drunk I'm hallucinating this-aru."

"It's not a harrucination. You were just so sad…" Japan squeezed China a little harder. A moment passed.

"Maybe you could tag along on my flight back home-aru." China said, his voice wistful, "I bet there is room on the plane-aru."

"Maybe."

America was now convinced that England must be the world champion of being unable to hold his liquor. Said champion was sitting in a corner bawling.

"Why'd it have to come to this, America? Why? I'm your bloody brother and you point a gun at me?*sob*" England was not coping well.

America sighed. "England, we've been over this, I needed my independence-"

"Well, I needed you!" England started sobbing again. America face-palmed. If only he said things like this when he was sober…

"Listen England," America bent low to where England was crouched, "I'm my own country now-"

"Bloody hell don't I know it! Shut up, you daft git!" Trying to sink into solitude, England balled himself up.

"Stop interrupting me and listen!" America pushed England over, causing him to flatten out, "You're the idiot, listen to me!" Pinned down by his hands, England had little choice.

"Just listen! It wasn't easy to point my gun at you, but I had to! If I hadn't, you would have never seen me as anything other than a little brother. Think about it."

"Can't bloody well think if I'm drunk, now can I?" England grumbled, his face bright red.

"Arthur…you idiot." America hugged his former brother. A little surprised, England hugged back.

"You have the day off tomorrow, right?" England said quietly.

"That's right."

"My flight isn't until tomorrow, so maybe I could stay over…"

"That would be perfect." America released England and helped him up. "C'mon, let's go."

Drunk France was chatting leisurely with Canada over the counter. _Normally, _Canada thought, _I'd be okay with this, but the topic-_

"-so then I was saying, after all I've done you can hardly call me a virgin, but no. In other ways, I am pure as the driven snow!" _Yeah right. _

"Francis, you should be getting home. Really, I'll call up the Embassy." Canada was reaching for the phone when France grabbed his wrist. Canada turned pink.

"Cut it out, really! I-I-" Canada's voice had trailed off into a whisper again.

"Hm? What was that? You want me to stop, hohon? Really?" France jerked Canada's arm around until they were facing each other.

"Yes, I need you to stop! I've got to get home to Kumikijio soon!"

"Your mouth says no, but your eyes say Y-E-S." France pulled Canada closer. "I guess I'll have to fix that mouth." France's lips met Canada's in a passionate kiss.

"Nhm…France!" Canada pulled away and ran into the backroom. He slammed the door behind him, and slumped down against a shelf full of various liquors before turning as red as a maple leaf. _Why me, why of everyone else, he decided to go after me tonight? Is it just chance, or… No! Snap out of it, Canada, no one ever notices you, it's just chance. It has to be._

Canada straightened, got up, took off his apron, and stowed it on a hook with the others. _Just chance. _He decided he would exit from the back, take his car from there to the airport, and calm down. _It didn't mean anything. He was drunk, after all._

"Mat, child, I really can't wait much longer…" France's voice came drifting from the other side of the door. _I have to leave now! Before he opens the-_

It was too late. France flung open the door and advanced towards Canada. Canada backed up until he hit a shelf of liquor.

"You know," France said, standing in front of the cornered Canada, "I've always thought you were attracted to me, but now I know it. You would not have had a such a reaction if you did not, no?"

"G-Go away…"

"Oh, but you wish the opposite, no? Hohohon, I guess I have my work cut out for me." He leaned closer. Canada threw up his hands to defend himself.

"Oh, non, mon cheri, no more games-"

"You're one to talk!" Canada shouted, surprising both of them, "Always playing around, joking, never taking anything or anything seriously. Never! I'm sick of it! I just…I just want…" He trailed off, the outburst had drained him.

"I think I know what it is that you want." France bent over and kissed Canada again, longer this time.

Canada eventually broke away. "N-No," Canada said, his eyes tearing up, "you'll just hurt me, there's no reason I should…"

"Love does not need a reason, mon cheri."

"I-I can't do this, I know I'm going to be hurt, you, you never could be just one person's, could you, France?" Tears were sliding down his face as he tried to wipe them away.

"I'm willing to give it a try. For you." France kissed him, and he felt the world slide away.


	2. 2: The next morning

********************The next morning…..******************************

"England, are you trying to make breakfast?" America said quizzically, looking over England's shoulder at the black lump in the frying pan.

"W-What do you mean, trying? It's a perfectly good scone!" England tried to hide his disappointment.

"England, any scone of yours could never be "perfectly good"."

"If you don't like it, make your own breakfast!"

"Nah, I'm too lazy. Cook away, chef." America plopped down on the couch in front of the TV and turned it on. The news popped up on the screen.

"-And in today's news, America and UK relations are warming up after the heated debate last night-" _Debate, huh? Not the way I would say it, but okay. _America thought.

England paused after hearing the news anchor. "Really?"

America shifted on the couch. "Apparently."

"Dear God, being a country and having a lover is hard to keep secret. Can't even sleep over without it being on the telly."

"France isn't going to let this go for a while, is he?"

"I _was_ drunk last night. Might just tease me and spare you."

"True. Hey-" America turned up the volume. The cheery voice of the host echoed in the kitchen.

"French-Canadian relations reached an all-time high in the trade deal of last night-" America turned the volume on low again.

They both stared at each other. No way…Poor Canada…This was going to start a world of trouble for him.

"-Surprisingly, China-Japan relationships are strengthening despite old trades, and the results for this quarter are showing it after a great trade deal last night-"

"You're kidding me, right?" England said.

"Well, apparently not. Looks like they finally made up."

"How long's it been, couple thousand years? Was about time, I say."

"Why is the news channel where we get our gossip from anyways?"

"We _are _countries, after all."

"Let's just hope the next one isn't "Thousands of Americans killed by British food poisoning!"

"You git! My cooking's fine!"

"Fine for propping open doors, if that's what you mean."

"I'll show you!" England quickly rushed back to cooking.

America sighed. Looks like the start of a brand new day.

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Author's corner: Ha! How was it? My first uploaded fic, just not the first I've written. Past here I'll probably be sticking to just one or two ships per fic, with more in the background if you squint. Thanks to tsuruui, who roped me into this whole thing. Hope to have another uploaded soon!


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